Patience, Bless My Soul

I was heading to the beach and needed two items. I quickly grabbed them and skipped to the express line in Food Lion with one lady in front of me. She was a well-put-together woman in her seventies chatting with check-out guy.

Check-out guy was young and eager to answer all the questions coming at him. Oh, she asked him about his summer and seemed genuinely interested in his college choice. You see, he was “making extra money before heading to UNC Wilmington in the fall.”

“My grandson went there!” she exclaimed. I found my mind wandering back to my college years.

“Ma”am, what are these?” check-out guy asked referring to what was in the produce baggie. “Oh, those are pluOTS.” (heavy emphasis on that second syllable). “They’re a cross between a plum and an apricot. They’re so sweet this time of year.” Trusting her answer, he clicked the little codes in the cash register. Damn, I should have gotten a bottle of ChardonNAY. He fumbled with the next baggie as if it were a Braille textbook. “Avocado”, she answered before he could even ask. “Gonna make me some of that guacamole tonight,” she said with the brightest smile. Apparently removing items from these little baggies and scanning those little stickers is not customary here. This way takes much more time, something we have loads of. My left eye began to twitch as it does when I have to refrain.


There it goes!

I have adapted a West Coast mentality mixed with Southern genes. Patience is not virtuous to me, but I do my darnedest when I come home. There are “tests” along the way and this was turning into an exam.

Right then, a white-haired gentleman walked in with khaki bermuda shorts, a bait-n-tackle t-shirt, and topsiders, a uniform in the South.

“Ed!!! Heyyyyyy. Oh my GAHHHD! It’s been ayyyyyyy-ges!” He mosied on over and they hugged and a reunion ensued right before me. He talked to her about the rain and her grandchildren and she asked him about his wife’s gall bladder and how the fish were biting.

“Sadie, you shore are holding up well, considering everything and all.” I pondered over what “everything and all” was. I, on the other hand, was holding onto the checkout counter, conveyor belt stopped so Sadie and Ed could wrap up years of loose ends.

A portly woman behind me was guffawing over the gossip mags-so much so I wondered if she was inviting me to join in to see what was so gosh darn humorous or if it was just a party of one. If she was this excited in the express line (term used loosely), I can only imagine homecoming at her Baptist church. I should have taken over her free spirit and succumbed to the tedious wait, made myself at home like everyone else in Express Line 1. I should have. Instead I was made acutely aware that I was the only one with an agenda. Time stood still at the FL. I was locked in a grocery store reality show.


one minute in line equals one hour real time

After Ed and Sadie bid farewell and the conveyor belt started back up, Sadie took out her checkbook. Ohhh nooo. Checkbooks are virtually banned in CA as no one can be trusted and ….they hold up the line! Even entering a debit card PIN can cause glares.

Meanwhile the checkout line on isle 5 that had wrapped around the Jell-o molds past the neon yellow cupcakes and Moon Pies had cleared out.

“Ma’am, what kind of apples are in here?” check-out guy inquired. Sadie’s arm rested on the rectangular perch and she gave great thought to this.

“Let’s see. They’re either Fuji or Gala. Wait. Wait. They might be Red Delicious. Aren’t those on sale today?”

                         Remove them from the bag! Look at them!! I screamed in my head.

“Price check for produce!” check-out guy exclaimed over the impressive PA system. My watermelon and turkey were warm. I had no doubts that Sadie had spent most of her morning here at the FL chatting and perusing. She put those apples in her cart hours ago! How could she remember? I started wondering about Ed’s wife’s gall bladder.

Sadie giggled because she actually had put Fuji AND Red Delicious apples in the same bag! Oh my! I, too, had to giggle. I was sandwiched between Ms. Congeniality and Ms. Gossip Junkie and physically nor ethically (yes, I’m scrupulous even in Food Lion) could I be pried away. Ms. Gossip Junkie had now read three mags cover to cover and was enjoying her vacay. She now had a bubbly buddy behind her joining in unison at the disbelief of “what these stars get away with.” I grabbed a Peppermint Patty and tore it open for sustenance. I massaged my left eye as it was dancing out of socket.

Sadie finally signed her effen check and ohhhhhhhh-soooooo-carefully removed it from its perforations. She thanked check-out guy profusely as if he had discovered the cure for her bursitis. Everyone had gotten to know each other in these tight brightly lit quarters. She grabbed her bags of potato salads, pluOTS, and mixture of apples and waved back at the crowd as if she were on a float.

Right then she leaned to me and gushed, “Oh honey, I just LOVE your hair!” Awwwwww. Gosh I love Sadie. I’m gonna miss her.


 When was the last time you were in a hurry and finally just gave in?

“I’ve learned to used meditation and relaxation to handle stress.  Just kidding.  I’m on my third glass of wine.”  Anonymous


Kendall-Jackson 2012 Grand Reserve ChardonNAY

Lush tropical fruit intertwines with lemon and lime.  Elegantly rounded with a vanilla and spice finish.

Perfect for the beach, a summer dinner party, or after an outing at your local grocery store.  $22.00

Ain’t being an adult grand?

Things that are good with capers…..arewelcome even better without them.
I’ve always had this aversion to these little balls of tangy confusion. I don’t see why they are placed atop anything let alone tuna tartar, chicken, or my beloved salmon.  I don’t know if they grow on a tree, a bush, or if they’re pulled out of the ground like peanuts. Nor do I care. Bottom line, I don’t have to eat them or even like them.That’s one of the medals I’ve earned in my ranking as an adult. I can eat what I want! And while I’m at it, I can skip dinner altogether and eat a whole bag of Kettle chips with red wine while in my underwear watching Friends reruns or Duck Dynasty. (Hey Si! You’re the bomb!) I can keep all those bitchin’ clothes in my closet that I should have tossed (we had so much fun in the ’80’s didn’t we?) It’s all so liberating being an adult! Notice I did NOT say “grown up”.

To be grown up, we give up. We give up a lot of things. To be an adult, we gain things. Like freedom. Our perspective is different even when our responsibilities are the same. We can pull out the child in ourselves. We have that thing that lots of grown ups gave up: a sense of humor. It’s a survival tool to use when all else is fails. Throw up your hands. Laugh! Make fun of it! It won’t change a damn thing, trust me, but magically you’ll feel better. Grown ups get ulcers.

Remember those HUGE one-year birthday parties we had for our children? They weren’t for them. They don’t remember them! They were for us to show the world that we were all ‘grown up’ and somehow managed to feed them, keep them alive and healthy, and given all the obstacles, we made it a whole year! We were adults in disguise.

And now?

Here are just a few things that we get to enjoy with our “Got Out of Childhood Almost Unscathed while Attempting to be Adults” membership card:

Cancel appts
Hell, you don’t even have to make them! (Dentist? Every year, every other?)
Get to drive!
Play MY music as loud as I want!
Have sex
Go to bed late (see TV schedule below)
Drink wine
Have more sex
Buy stupid stuff and no one can tell you “no way!” Because it’s your money!
(That you’ve just blown on stupid stuff)
Don’t clean your room today!
Watch anything you want on TV whenever you want for as long as we want (yeh, watch out 10:30! I think I can see you tonight!)
Sleep late! (Ha! Who am I kidding)
Wear high heels (guys?)
Don’t brush your hair
Have an opinion and USE it!
Say bad words just ’cause it’s so much f—ing fun!
Have sex
Say ‘No’ and mean it with no explanation
Say ‘Yes’ and mean it with no explanation
See a movie in the middle of the day with no explanation
Weed out those people who piss you off or who are just plain crazy or stupid!
Read trashy novels
Write trashy novels!
Stay as long as you want
Leave whenever you want
Decorate any way you want
Wear whatever you want
Eat Reese’s peanut butter cups (oh how I love them) until the bag is empty. Then open a second one!
Stay out late because you have no curfew!
Hire a babysitter so you can stay out late!
No Homework
No Capers

Ooh, I must throw out one small caveat: children and partners can hinder some of the above. Make your decisions wisely:)

Yes, yes, yes. There are the notsofun things like jobs, bills, aches, laundry, grocery shopping, divorce, marriage, and a plethora of things that only life and age can drop on our doorstep. So, today, do one thing on the list. Or two or three! Make your own list. Step out of the ‘grown up’ box. Do your best to stay up until 10:30! Feel liberated! Watch a really bad movie and laugh at it. Way too many cynics in the world. Don’t be pulled in.

I’m going to go bake salmon right now with butter and lemon, just the way I like it.  Join me?


“As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.”
― David Sedaris, Let’s Explore Diabetes with Owls

“Magda looks at me as if I’ve gone mad. Or I’ve grown up. It’s kind of the same thing.”                                               ― Victoria Schwab, The Near Witch

“I wondered if that was true: if they were all really children wrapped up in adult bodies, like children’s books hidden in the middle of dull, long adult books, the kind with no pictures or conversations.”                                     ― Neil Gaiman, The Ocean at the End of the Lane